Konnichiwa Japan!
Japan is a world away. It is the epitome and source of the phrase “culture shock”. It is a culture so different from ours, that we had no choice to attack it.
Japanese, like the Koreans, are a very proud culture. They both feel like they are the superior race, which is a bit ironic: if they are so superior, why couldn’t they evolve past five feet?
Japan is a land of millions of people and not one smile. It is a land of bowing, law and order, vending machines, arcades, and perverts. We met the stereotypical business man. The stereotypical construction worker that can build a tower in a day. The stereotypical wise elder. And of course, the stereotypical giggling school girl. They all exist.
They are advanced with technology, but behind in international relations and language. It is a land of lights, cameras, and action, with a stern regimented society that looks so OCD and tense that you feel like you’re in a pressure cooker. No wonder the suicide rate is so high; it has a palpable energy that is so thick it permeates through all aspects of life.
We arrived on the train and the first thing you notice is how clean the city and trains are. Japanese are the most clean people on the planet, and remain so despite the complete absence of any trash cans in the entire city. You are expected to carry your trash with you, and Japanese are almost as obsessed with their garbage as they are with their toilets and asses.
Garbage
Garbage is sorted into multiple categories: compost and non-compost, plastic, metal, by color, size, weight, and smell. They have volunteer garbage police in the neighborhood that check garbage outside your house. If you don’t sort it correctly, they will harass you into compliance.
Picture an older Japanese woman knocking on your door every morning: bowing and screaming at the same time—“Hai, hai!”—which sounds almost like “Heil, heil,” only deeper, sterner, and angrier than the Germans.
Toilets
The cleanliness doesn’t just extend to the house, but also extends to the toilets. An entire chapter can be written about Japanese toilets, but let’s just say the Japanese asses are probably the cleanest in the entire world. The toilet seats are heated, with a bidet that sprays on a scale of strengths. It even includes a blow dryer and deodorizer to fan your fanny.
I got into a funny situation while trying to demo a public toilet for the camera, almost causing an international incident. See the attached video in the post. Taking a dump in Japan is an experience that is in itself worth the cross global trek.
Public Etiquette
The next thing you notice is the lack of smiles and seriousness of the people around you. The only smiles we saw were of the older men that had more of a senile—mouth open—permanent happy look on their face.
There is no talking on the trains. There is law and order, respect, and a group mentality that immediately grabs you and makes you fall right in line. The only comparison I can think of is that all of Japan is like a giant ant colony, with ants running around all day with no discernible purpose, but constantly on the go. It is a business-like atmosphere and purpose that allows for no eye contact with anyone.
We paid for everything precisely, carried our garbage in our pockets all day, bowed to everyone, and fell right in line with the masses, as if we no longer had any individuality.
Shibuya Crossing
There is a perfect example of the ant colony comparison at a famous five-way intersection Shibuya Crossing. Every light change has thousands of people crossing in perfect harmony. I went into the mob of people and sat down in the middle of the street, with thousands of people walking by, and I didn’t even get a second glance. I was practically lying down, but the sense of purpose of the people around me did not allow for the time to pay any attention to this foreign spectacle.
Perverts & Fetishes
The stereotypical Japanese business man with a hidden fetish is real and true, and we saw it everywhere. There was a sign on the subway with a silhouette of a man with his hands in his pocket, glaring the word “NO!” on it.
We couldn’t figure out what it meant until we asked around, discovering it means no public molestation or playing with yourself. In other words, “don’t be a pervert”. In Japan, the men need a sign telling them not to be a pervert, or there would be tons of men in suits taking pictures up skirts, or sitting around with their hands in their pockets pleasuring themselves to school girls.
Themed/”Host” Cafes
We saw the same pervert mentality at all these cafes that are either “host cafes,” which can only be described as an “emotional strip club,” where the girls pretend to like you, talk to you, and flirt with you—just short of taking their clothes off for you.
There are “maid cafes” where the girls dress up as maids and serve you, worshiping you as they welcome you “home” on arrival. I also read about a “cuddle cafe”, more on that later.
We searched far and wide for a maid cafe, and after a full hour of miming, bumbling, and stuttering, trying to communicate in any which way possible, we finally found the cafe that left us emotionally scarred.
Japanese Are Very Helpful
Let me point out that Japanese people are the nicest, most helpful people on the planet. They can’t understand jack about what you want, or what you are asking, but they will stop their day and spend half an hour trying to help you. They’ll walk you to your destination, showing you exactly where you need to go.
We had one guy literally take off his apron, leave his store unattended, and walk us around the corner to show us the building. We had another guy stop mid-purchase at a vending machine and walk us blocks to our destination. We were blown away at this paradox of being polite and helpful, compared to the stigma that Japanese don’t like tourists.
We even ran into a few businesses that wouldn’t serve tourists. Imagine a store in this century in America, not serving blacks. It was an interesting paradox, but nonetheless, very appreciated.
Back to the maid cafe…
Maid Cafe
We were lead to the 6th floor of some building and into a strange, trippy cafe that left us feeling bewildered, confused, dirty, and weirded out. The cafe was run by girls that looked and acted like they were 11, giggling and jumping.
Some of the experience can only be described in pictures, but the sign that told you to “leave your troubles outside and walk into a land of happiness” did not prepare us for feeling like child molesters. The strict sign that said “No touching the girls” did not help.
The girls were forced to act like school girls, with a singing performance that was so strange, it involved two back-up dancers. One was dressed like Napoleon Dynamite, and the other like his Mexican cousin. These were not costumes, but their normal daily attire.
They stretched for five minutes beforehand, only to stand next to the singing girl with glow sticks, moving and shaking around as if they were having a seizure. They waved the glow sticks in what mimicked swatting an invisible fly.
The entire thing was so weird, we didn’t know if we should laugh, feel bad for the girls, or feel bad for ourselves. Oddly, the girls seemed genuinely happy, in some sort of a trance like merriment. It was a scene.
Unfortunately video was not allowed, but we salvaged what we could sneak, and borrowed a performance from YouTube, which can all be seen in the video attached earlier in this post.
Cuddle Cafes
We watched an episode of VICE that showed a “cuddle cafe” in Japan. It’s exactly what it sounds like—where grown men pay hundreds to lay next to a girl and cuddle for an hour. We watched a guy get interviewed, talking about how he spends his entire paycheck on daily cuddling. He was the sex addict that wasn’t getting sex, he was just getting teased. We called him the “blue balls addict”.
This episode was so strange, we had to find the place. We spent an hour looking for it, but it looks like they were closed. The only thing we accidentally stumbled into was a small massage apartment, with a girl half undressed telling us (or at least what we believe she was telling us) they only serve Japanese customers. All we heard were mutters of “Japanese” and a crossed finger gesture.
Japanese Massage
I read articles beforehand with bloggers claiming that Koreans and Japanese prostitutes don’t sleep with white men because they would lose the Asian clientele. Why, you ask? Because Asians think Westerners are so large, they would literally ruin the prostitute. Besides for it being silly, these are prostitutes! They spend their entire day stretching! It’s like a ballerina with arthiritis … they don’t go together. It’s less of a bruise to the ego when looked at from that angle, leaving us feeling content and happy even without the massage.
Arcades and Vending Machines
Japanese men never grow up. It’s either that, or arcades are considered a sport for all ages. Wherever we went, there were arcades, games, and every possible type of vending machines. Everything is sold through vending machines.
In the restaurant, we purchased our coffee and ice cream via a vending machine with meal tickets; it was a system that was just so smooth and efficient. The Japanese are efficiency experts. Everything is so technologically advanced and clean, we felt like we were in the future.
Movies about the future always show the streets as being impeccably clean and organized, with a society policed by robots and self- driving cars. I don’t know why they assume in the future we don’t litter, unless they assume the future gets run by the Japanese, but the entire city felt very futuristic.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
We had an amazing suite at the Park Hyatt hotel, made famous by the movie Lost in Translation.
In a random encounter, we met Arnold Schwarzenegger as we were leaving the pool and he was arriving to the gym. I asked him if I could still call him Governor, to which he replied “Of course.”
We met a woman in the elevator, and her English was so good albeit far from perfect, but so much better in comparison to the 0 words everyone else knows. We were impressed until she told us she was there as Arnold’s interpreter.
Phonetics in Japan
We couldn’t get over how hard it was for them to pronounce some sounds, and we walked around telling everyone “Herro” and no one seemed to notice. The signs were spelled the same way they incorrectly pronounce them, which tells me they can’t pronounce the letter “L”, but Hooked on Phonics worked for them.
A drink on a menu was labeled “SPARKRING CHAMPAGNE”. It was like watching a South Park episode and hearing the Chinese store owner everywhere we went.
The sign at the Tokyo Tower said “We are on the SPECILAL alert!”.
There was a woman collecting for some Earthquake, and every time she said “I am correcting” we cracked up. We tried to get her to repeat it on camera, but she couldn’t figure out what we wanted. I ended up spending $30 just trying to get her to say on camera “I am correcting for…”
She was so excited about our kindness, she gave us tickets to a concert of some sort as a gift to remember her. We had no clue what she was saying and she had no clue what we were saying, and this was typical of every single conversation we had in Japan.
Understanding English
The one thing that annoyed and baffled me about Japan and some other Asian countries is their lack of language intelligence. If someone speaks to me in Spanish, or in any language for that matter, and says a word which is similar to a word in my language, I can usually figure out what they mean with a little pointing and some context. But not in Asia.
We spent twenty minutes asking for a SIM card, and all the places we visited, they get this confused look on their face. You point to your phone and still they have no clue.
You say “SIM card,” they repeat “SIM card”. You say “SIM card” again, they repeat “SIM card”, only they still lack any comprehension.
It’s only when you open up the slot and take out the old one, it finally hits them and then say something like “AHHHH! SIM-AH CARD!” Ahhhh, yes, I mean really? You couldn’t figure out that “SIM card” and “SIM-AH card” are the same? Or you couldn’t figure out that “WIFI “and “WIFI-AH” are the same?
Coincidentally, it’s almost impossible to get a SIM card or phone if you are not a Japanese citizen, another rule meant to keep out foreigners.
In Closing
We were ready to leave Japan. It had the most to offer us in the form of culture and experience, and we had an amazing trip and journey. Every day was fraught with things that made me laugh and intrigued at the same time, making me happy to be an American. Traveling is important for nothing else than to realize how different you could have been, and how lucky you are to be you, because only you understand you.
