I was told to behave in Singapore because even chewing gum is illegal.

We did not see many cops or feel like the country was that strict, and although I was sure I would get a state sanctioned caning, I was wholly disappointed. I chewed gum, I molested some statues, I littered—and even spit on the floor but didn’t even get a second glance.

We found some monkeys to play with, and I literally spanked my monkey.

I knew it was fate when a cab pulled over with my name on it, and inside the cab were rules for living and having a good marriage—all of which seemed like good rules and sound advice, but you have to be a real idiot to take life advice from a sign inside a taxi, so we naturally ignored it all.

Government Control

It is however a police state, and the cab driver was complaining how high the cost of living is and how little the average person makes. They earn around $800 a month which is the same amount as the mortgage on the house that the government gives you to live in. The Government owns everything. They force you to be proud of your Singaporean heritage. We were not used to feeling like we were interrogating people when trying to find out their race.

In the United States, everyone is proud of who they are, and any time you ask someone what background they are, you will hear something like “I’m one eighth mexican, and two thirds Native American, and three quarters Dutch on my mothers side, and Welsh on my grandfather’s side, and then my great grandfather spent a summer in Chinatown, so I am technically part Chinese as well.”

Not so in Singapore! They will insist they are local even if they talk and look like they are fresh off the boat from India and still smell like Curry. It’s only after you really press the issue and interrogate them, they will admit they are not native to Singapore, I mean how could they be? The country has only been around technically for less than fifty years…

People of Singapore

We met Ghandi or something that must have resembled Gandhi right after he was released from prison.

And then we passed another fellow on the street that we had to stop our cab, get out, grab the guy , shake his hand, and ask………

“Why The Long Face”?

The women in Singapore are not much to look at, this is undoubtedly why they try to cover them up.

Tourist Attractions

We went to the Gardens by the Bay, this amazing Garden rainforest dome, this entire area reminded me of “Alice in Wonderland” and you were either really tiny in this giant world, or really large and the king of this rainforest in a building.

I created a special panoramic video which may or may not give you the experience of being there. The idea behind the video was to make it feel like a virtual scary ride, similar to Universal Studios, and I ran up and down the planks holding the camera to simulate a roller coaster. This lead to some really strange looks from people around me; it was a look of confusion mixed with sympathy for I must have looked like I was mentally challenged—a middle aged man running up and down those metal bridges crouching down with a camera too small to be noticed. It either looks like the worst tourist video ever shot, or it will make you feel like you are experiencing Jurassic Park the ride…you decide. Hey, before you criticize it, just remember the last time some idiot ran like that with a video camera, they called it The Blair Witch Project and made millions. (Someone will appreciate that reference.)

We went to a river safari, night safari, a dome full of plants, and a jungle. I whistled at the lions and this made them extremely angry. At the aquarium and rainforest, I started giving tours to random people, and had a growing crowd following me as I made up ridiculous facts and stories about the place we were in or animals we were looking at. I even crashed someone else’s tour, and started over talking the guide with my own narration. Although my audience was very amused, the guide was not. (You can see this in the video below.)

One of the nicest hotels in Asia is the Marina Bay Sands hotel, which has an infinity pool that is breathtaking.

The pool is for hotel guests only, and we were not guests! This wasn’t much of a deterrent as Jim simply swiped a room key card from the housekeeping cart, and minutes later we were swimming in one of the nicest pools in the world.

Our Hotel and the Butler

Not that our hotel wasn’t amazing, we even had our own butler. I messed up my entire suitcase just so I can have him pack it up for me neatly. This resulted in the best packed suitcase I have ever had in my life, and also was the first time I would have had to answer “Yes” and cause a panic at the airport had they asked me that question they always ask “did anyone else pack your suitcase for you? ” which would inevitably lead to me being detained and put on a special watch list. So all in all having a butler does have its drawbacks.

The Video

More Pictures