ICELAND
I am on a plane heading to
Iceland with a stop in New York
I am on a plane heading to Iceland with a stop in New York, having just flown in from two days in Vegas to play in a mafia tournament (more on that another time) with stops in Helsinki, Copenhagen, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Barcelona, with the grand finale of four days in Ibiza. As always before a big trip I am a bit , apprehensive. I am not traveling alone this time and I will have to share my room with a friend for the first time in a decade which is going to be a bit challenging. I tend to believe that I am an easy travel partner, but the question is how much I will have to work on keeping that reputation. As opposed to most flights I am uninterested in meeting fellow travelers, for I am changing planes in New York and have no interest investing in a relationship that ends in a few hours besides, the morbidly obese Mexican woman snoring on my right doesn’t seem to have much in common with me besides for the armrest between us that she is occupying like the ninety nine percent on Wall St. threatening to engulf my seat with her arm fat which is starting to look like a good pillow I plan on falling asleep on soon. On the bright side, having been forced to lean out into the aisle, the flight attendants keep hitting me with their asses, which just prove I am a cup half full kind of guy, and maybe in need of a bit of therapy.
I get to travel a lot which makes me very privileged but I don’t seem to remember anything so it’s kind of a wash. My poor recollection forces me to constantly make new memories. I am like a person with amnesia with the need to be interesting.
So a few days in Iceland and I have learned a few things. I learned that traveling with a partner is like having a twenty four hour a day reminder why you live alone. I am having a great time but I am stuck with a hairy farting machine. Its as if his food gets digested and recycled into air and released throughout the day with the potency of a genocidal chemical attack. The bathtub has so much hair that it looks like its inhabited by a Sasquatch, going through chemo therapy treatment. Between the chemical warfare and the proximity of the beds, which are as close as a honeymooning couple in a Japanese hotel (you know the ones with drawers as beds) Not helping the situation was the food in Iceland, which is as bad as prison food in Mexico.
Icelanders are called Iceland-dicks which is ironic since even the women look like Amazonian men. We started to realize that all Icelanders look alike, and we wondered if that is considered racist, or maybe because its such a small island that everyone is just breeding with their brothers and cousins, and we have a country of one big extended family. The entire country is centered around this one small street with a few bars that cater to clique locals with very apparent alcoholism issues. They close all the bars at one AM which is still enough time for them to get so wasted, that we witnessed at least ten people climbing telephone poles, a few sitting on some roofs, and the rest just angrily throwing bottles.
I tend to not talk too much about my sexual escapades in the blog, mostly because usually I don’t have any, as well as you never know who’s’ reading, and have been pretty low key in my recent travels, but the following anecdotes have to be mentioned only for its comedic value. On my flight in I sat across an Asian girl, who immediately became very friendly with us. I moved seats next to her and before the plane had even reached an altitude where the fasten seat belt sign came off, we had already been making out. To be fair she was quite homely, and maybe her nose was a bit too close to her eyes, but after she shared her Ambien and Xanax with me, and the lights went out she was looking ok. We were in the exit row it was dark and I ended up getting two hand jobs in a row and I felt pretty accomplished. In keeping with the theme of the trip, I ended up taking home another two ugly girls the first night thanks to “my hairy wingman, rightly nicknamed “The prince of Persia” by some Icelandic’s, and ended up getting another hand job after unsuccessfully trying to molest her the entire night. In a country full of the most beautiful women, we managed to find the two girls that you needed to be their mom in order to find them attractive. Another lesson learned on this trip is that I am way better at hand jobs than most of the women I run into, but it might be simply because I have more practice. The Icelandic language is so freaking annoying, it sounds like a bunch of tone deaf seagulls in a Spanish musical. My dick was being treated like a “shake a weight” and my ears were being treated to the continuous torture of a language that must have been created by mimicking a stuttering villager with hiccups.
My friend is like an ADD autistic child and when he focuses on one complaint he repeats it over and over again hundreds of times. The entire trip I kept hearing about the lack of turkey meats they put into the sandwiches and felt like writing a letter to the prime minister to appease him. Some of his other complaints included the three minutes shy of one hour we got on our snowmobiles, the waiting for our snowmobiles for thirty minutes, he was too cold, and it was too expensive.
He has an inflatable head pillow for flying in the shape a U, that has some fake fur on the top, which he doesn’t stop singing its praises and declaring how comfortable it is. He wears it on the plane, in the airport, and even getting the luggage up until we get to the hotel. He wears it around his neck like it’s a pearl necklace. He looks so ridiculous in it, that the laughter it elicits every time I look at him, more than makes up for the embarrassment I get from walking around with what looks like a retarded man child that could just as easily being wearing his underwear on his head.
So enough about the comedic aspect of the trip, but the truth is the country has amazing breathtaking beauty. Between the volcanos, the Geysers bubbling from the earth, the center of the earth’s crust being situated right in middle of the country, we witnessed amazing beauty. We went snowmobiling on a glacier and drove through the entire country side.
Leave a Reply